How to start out with BDSM Part I

      Recently, I have been approached by several members new to the BDSM GR group who have expressed interest in the BDSM lifestyle. Some have read BDSM books and want to know how to encourage their spouse to become a Dom/me or sub. How do they approach their spouse/significant other? What do I recommend as a first step?

      First, I want to state that I am not an experienced Domme nor am I a trained sub. I am a switch who loves to read, attend BDSM class and experiment with my spouse. I'm more a of kinky kind of gal. Second, the steps I recommend are from my perspective as someone who has been through these initial journey. I'm still learning. For what it's worth, these are my personal recommendations.

What is BDSM?

      I recommend first learning about BDSM activities at a minimum. There are various websites that list a glossary. BDSM terms lists many of the different activities as well as the BDSM terminology. (Still in progress)

      Or if you prefer a book, The ABC's of BDSM is a decent one to describe the BDSM terminology as well as including some safety tips.


How do I open a dialog with my significant other?

      Okay, now you know a little bit about BDSM in a conceptual way with facts instead of the fictional books we read. How do you approach your other half? Spring it on them? Tie them up and tell them, "this is what I want?" These are all possible choices but may not have the outcome you desire.

      Open a dialog with one of the books you've read that you really enjoy. Read a few passages and explain how it makes you feel and ask if your other half is interested.

      Some people have used movies to open discussion. A recent popular movie is Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

      The important part is to communicate. If you do not ask and start somewhere, you will get nowhere.

My significant other is interested!

      Now what? What should I do? How do we figure out what we like? Am I a Top or a bottom? (I'm going to use these terms loosely as Dom/me and sub in this post.) These two books are good to give you an idea on Topping and Bottoming - The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book.

What are your limits?

      I found this website years ago and really like it. http://thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm - is a long web questionnaire that goes through most of the BDSM activities. The more honestly you complete this, the better it will go for you and your spouse. Ideally, both you and your spouse will have learned what each BDSM activity is before taking this questionnaire.

      I would not share this completed questionnaire with anyone. It's very personal and should be treated confidentially. It is also important to complete these separately. Don't do it together or you will influence the other.

We want to meet people and talk to others

      The easiest way to go about this is to attend a munch. Munches are held in public venues where BDSM people are dressed in every day Vanilla wear. These people will be a mix of age, race and experience. It's to help the new to BDSM learn a bit of the lifestyle without going to a play party. Plus it is in a public area for safety and anonymity.

How do I find a munch?

      The easiest way is through fetlife. www.fetlife.com is basically the kinky facebook. You will be able to search for places near you. This is also a good place to find a BDSM club or organization who focuses on education.

Education? What kind of education?

      Some of the BDSM organizations focus on education. They will teach different topics and BDSM activities. Some of them are hands on and some of them are not. The ones I've attended, I've written up my notes and my experiences. I've also asked others who are knowledgeable and attended classes to post in the Educational Topics Folder.

I would like a mentor, where do I find one?

      Something I've found quite appealing in my experience is many of the Dom/me in the BDSM organization near me love to teach. They have a passion for helping people enjoy their journey into BDSM. Many of them have experienced bad scenes and they want to help prevent new to the lifestyle from learning the hard way. As you meet more people through classes and munches, you will get a feel for who may help mentor you or your significant other. Approach them respectfully and see what they say.

BDSM discussion to help get you started

I have a posted a few threads to help get you started if you can not find a class near you.

BDSM 101 for Beginners

S&M 101 for Kinky folks

D/s in the Real World

These steps don't have to be in the order I provided. They are a start to your kinky journey. Have fun experimenting!

Comments

FindaMunch said…
Greetings!

Thank you for the information you have provided in your blog postings.

May I also recommend the website, FindaMunch.com, aka The Munch+Adult Local Link (MALL) Directory.

It is an extensive collection of locality-based groups, gatherings and resources worldwide. Additionally, it contains links to and articles for lifestyle newcomers.

Hope you'll stop by, and consider adding FindaMunch.com to your resources!

Thanks so much,
Joy

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