D/s in the Real World ~ Fantasy

Topics to be covered

* The Fantasy
* Why do we do this?
* Legal & Logistics
* Rituals - Public/private
* Aftercare (healing tips)

I went to this class on D/s in the real world. I found it to be educational. The presenter is a Mistress who has several female subs. She also has been a slave before she switch to be Mistress full time. As in 24/7. I want to first say, that there is no ONLY right way to have D/s in your life. This is from the perspective and experience of this Domme. I'm going to refer to her as Mistress J.

She's been in the lifestyle for more than 15 years if I recall correctly. Here are her lessons learned.

The Fantasy

What is it that we think D/s should be? Is it like how we read it in books such as The Marketplace? What is it about this book that draws us into it?

Here's a question for each of you, what book do you read over and over again and say, "I wish that my life could be like this?"

What is the underlying fantasy that pulls you into the BDSM world? Is it the sex? Is it the cool gadgets? Why do you want D/s in your life?

Mistress J believes, the crux of a D/s is the relationship. As the Domme, she's the one in control creating the fantasy for her sub. This way she can let her sub live in the fantasy she directs it.

Here's an exercise she asked us to draw out. She wanted us to draw out how we thought 5 concepts relate to one another to create a D/s relationship.

You have two circles. One circle is large the other one is smaller - the core if you will. What would you place in the smaller circle? Your 5 concepts are:

1. Fantasy
2. Play
3. D/s
4. SM
5. Relationship

Here's the circles to help you out.

DS unfilled

What does your picture look like? Click the spoiler to read what Mistress J answered.

(view spoiler)

Here's her lessons learned:

1. The goal is always to save the relationship. Talk on an equal level because relationship is the key to hold the Dom/me and sub together.

2. Dominants can't be swept up in the "fantasy". They need to be the responsible one. (Is anyone else thinking about the book Domme By Default?)

3. It's a relationship like any other one. In the sense that in order for it last and be good for both parties, both need to work at it.

The question came about...my fantasy Dom/me knows me so well that they can read my mind. How do I make it so my Dom/me does this too?

Mistress J laughed and said, there is no way to read a sub's mind. However, there is a way to see into their thoughts and feelings. It isn't easy and be warned, this technique will give both the good and bad thoughts. And with time, the Dom/me will be able to read the sub's specific body language too.

She recommends the sub to write in a Journal daily. (This is something I mentioned in another post.) Journal technique is hard on the Dominant. They have to read what the sub says. In order for this to work, the sub must be completely honest. This helps to take the pulse of the relationship.

A question was posed - what if the sub doesn't want to write daily? How about once in a while?

This is not advisable because the sub will only write as a bitching session. This puts the Dominant into the defense. Regularly and consistency is the key. If not daily try three times a week. It's the open communication that makes this work.

Does it have to be in a notebook?

No, it does not. There are many different ways to journal. There are video journals, photo journals, blogs, word documents, you name it. Find what works best for the two of you.

4. The Dominant is not so much "in control" as the person who is steering the ship.

Regarding the whole "fantasy" Mistress J wanted to make sure we thought about the differences between a domineering and dominant person. Domineering implies bullying. This is not ideal for her in a D/s relationship.

Lastly, in the Fantasy to reality for D/s, there is a very fine line between what is abuse and what is not. It's different for each D/s relationship. 

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