BDSM 101 for Dom/mes and Tops Part II

From a Female Top perspective - Curvy Girl

1.       I've read the books, but I don't know how to start a scene.  I'm not involved with a BDSM group and there are no mentors around.  What can I start out with?

Start out with conversation!  If you and your bottom are both new, you're going to be learning together.  Be prepared for the fact that you're both going to make missteps along the way.  One idea is to limit your first few scenes to one particular part of the body that you both one want to explore.  My first scene as a bottom focused entirely on nipple play -- and it was amazing!  Add a touch of bondage with wrists restrained and you've got a great, limited arena in which to play and discover each other.  Also, be prepared to negotiate extensively.

Ask your bottom lots of questions about what is and is not wanted, allowed or off limits.  And check in with your bottom during your scene -- "Are you comfortable?"  "Do you want to keep going? " "Do you need some water?"   "Are those happy-keep-going noises you're making, or are those it's-getting-too-intense noises?"

2.       How would you recommend to start out?

Always start out with negotiation, before you start the scene.    You want to be sure that you and your bottom both have similar expectations for the scene.  Beyond the questions of what type of play will/won't be included and what areas of the body are OK to involve in play, you also want to be certain of your bottom's physical condition.  Ask if you bottom has any injuries or physical conditions of which you need to be aware.  Someone with a sore knee isn't going to be able to kneel for long and enjoy the scene.  Hydration and blood sugar are also important!  You want to be sure that your bottom has had a good meal and is well hydrated before you play.  You don't want dizziness or invading your scene.

3.       How do I build a scene?

Start the scene with the tone you want to set.  If the scene will be close and intimate, start by holding your bottom close.  Breathe deeply, and let your bottom feel the strength of your body and rhythm of your breathe.  Maintain some degree of physical contact throughout the scene.

If your scene will involve more of an intimidation factor, you can still begin with physical contact to establish connection with your bottom.  Then break the physical connection and switch to verbal commands instead of physically guiding your bottom.  Tone of voice goes a long way to setting the scene.

4.       What happens if my partner reads a lot of BDSM fiction and I just can't match their fantasy Dom? What do I do?

I second what Sirly_Eric said.  Every bit of it.  Fantasy is not real life.  But fantasy also doesn't grow with you and explore with you.  Fantasy does thrive on the give and take of two people on a journey together.

5.       What if I make a mistake?

You will make mistakes.  Everyone does.   Stop the scene if needed.  Discuss what happened with your bottom.  How did you both feel?  Like anything else in life, learn from  your mistakes.

6.       How often do I do a scene?

That is up to you and your bottom.  And your busy daily lives.  Everyone's needs and desires are different.  Find a balance that works for your and your bottom.

7.       How long does a scene last?

The length of a scene depends on the endurance of you and your bottom.  It can also depend on whether or not your scene has a specific goal - like a particular bondage tie or a certain number of birthday spankings...or orgasms.  You're generally not trying to set any endurance records or exhaust either yourself or your bottom.  Pay attention to your energy levels and your bottom's.

8.       Is there a way to not spend tons of money?
Use what you have!  Your hands and mouth are some of your best tools.