What I'd tell my younger self when looking for a Dom/me

Recently, someone asked if there were steps on how to find a Dom/me when a person is new to BDSM and single.  What questions are there to ask?  What signs do we have to look out for when searching?  I can't say for certain here's what you have to do.  I can say, here are my recommendations, I would have told my young 18 year old self.

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1. There is no shame in using a safeword. (I have a very difficult time using it, even to this day.)

2. BDSM doesn't have to equate to pain for pleasure.

3. Talk to the Dom/me and try to get someone who is more experienced to help guide you.

4. The first scene should be in a controlled environment where there are experienced people around.


5.  Meet and observe others in an interaction. This will give you an idea of what to ask. (I had no idea what to ask when I first was looking around. Clueless and before the internet = bumbling around.)

6.  It is okay to ask questions.  There is a way to ask questions - be polite and respectful.  If you are not sure how to ask a question, use the guideline - asking a question to the Queen of England.

7. BDSM does not equate to sex and scening with a Dom/me does not mean you have to sleep with them afterwards.


8. A sub, one doesn't know how much pain one can tolerate.  I've been told most of my young life I have a high tolerance to pain.  When compared to BDSM masochist, I've learned I'm a wimp.  When playing with a Dom/me for the first time, have the Dom/me test a few strokes (whatever the impact play is) on themselves. Have them rate the pain intensity on a scale of 1 to 10. Then have them use the same stroke on you and you tell them what your rating is on a scale of 1 to 10.  This will help give the Dom/me an idea of how hard they can strike you.

9. For the beginning experience, it is key for the newbie to have a GOOD experience. This is so they will want a repeat. I advise to err on the side of caution. Go a bit lighter. Build up at a slow easy pace.  There is no prize for finishing fast.

10. Go to munches. I can not emphasize this enough. Most big cities will have multiple ones. Find the right one for you. If you don't feel comfortable, then try another one.

11. Repeated BDSM scenes with the same person will likely generate emotional feelings of attachment to that person. Make sure both parties are free of other attachments or at least on the same page for open relationship.

12. There is no reason to tell a person you just met everything about yourself.  I'm not saying to be closed off and not trusting, I'm recommending a balance between divulging everything and saying nothing.

13.  Meeting a Dom/me for the first time should not be in a private location.  My recommendation is a public place where people can discuss without being overheard.

14.  If you are going alone to a party, especially a private party, I'd recommend a friend to know about where you are going and a time to expect a call to let them know all is well.

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