BDSM 101 for Dom/mes and Tops

Are you new to the BDSM scene and you aren't sure how to start out as a Dom/me or Top? Did you have questions on how to start? Are you worried you won't match up to the fictional perfect Dom/me?

I've asked a male and female dominant to answer a few questions for us. They provide a few pieces of wisdom from their years of experiences.

Sirly Eric is a Dom who switches on occasion. He is talented with a cane and fire cupping. His preference is for D/s.

Curvy Girl is a Top who enjoys sensation plan. She is wicked with a strap-on as well as with her evil stick.

This educational post is open to all who are searching for their dominant side. If you have additional questions, please feel free to ask here. If you are a Top or Dom/me, please feel free to add in your advice here too!

Lastly, there is a very good website we can reference. I contacted Cuffsmaster specifically to request for his permission to link to his website - Best Slave Training. I've read through several of his posts and they are excellent. Please note, he specifically indicates copyright legalities on his website. Do not post his material or link to him without his special permission.

From a male Dom perspective


1.       I've read the books, but I don't know how to start a scene.  I'm not involved with a BDSM group and there are no mentors around.  What can I start out with?

In this question, I'm going to assume that you've got a play partner who trusts you and is willing to play.  You start out by establishing boundaries.  Negotiate the crap out of the scene.  Safewords, location, hard and soft limits.  Then find out what your bottom wants, and figure out what you want and how it lines up.

2.       How would you recommend to start out?

If you're looking for some guidance, online groups like those on Fetlife would be the best place to look.  While there's undoubtedly going to be some idiots and people talking out of their asses on there, there's just as likely going to be people who really know what they're talking about.  Ask questions about the types of play you're interested in, or the fears you have.  Use your own judgment (which is often more reliable than you think) to determine what's bullshit and what you can use.

3.       How do I build a scene?

You have to experiment a bit to find out what will really help you and your partner get in the groove.  Does s/he really respond to being physically restrained?  If so, starting off by grabbing them and dragging them to the play space would be a great opener.  If they like sensory deprivation, then you want to start with a blindfold or even a hood.  Strip away how they normally perceive the world to make them reliant on you.

Once the play begins (and here, I am defining "play" as using toys on the bottom), you want to warm up first.  Spank, cane, flog or whip lightly, building your bottom's tolerance up.  This is just a general rule, as most bottoms don't like someone to come out of the gate hitting full force.  If you have someone who does like that, great, just find out first.

Personally, I usually don't go higher than 20% of my total strength in the first 10-30 minutes of a scene.

Also, breaking up the primary type of play with other types is a good way to keep the scene going and building.  You may be doing a wax scene and break out some knives or other sensory toys to tease the inflamed skin.  In the midst of a rope scene you can give them a few really good hits with a flogger or whip.  Keep it varied.

4.       What happens if my partner reads a lot of BDSM fiction and I just can't match their fantasy Dom? What do I do?

(Warning, the following is directed to new dominants/tops with new submissives/bottoms and is a generalization.  Some people do fit some or all of these criteria.  God help you if you meet them.)

Ok, I'm going to break it to you right now.  You're not Christian Grey.  You're not any of the uber-doms that exist in these BDSM books.  You don't have a perfectly formed body that seems to stay that way despite never working out for 8 hours a day in a gym with a personal trainer, eating only what a nutritionist tells you.  You haven't learned all sorts of secret bondage and dominance techniques at the feet of the Grand High Poo-Bah of LEATHER.  You don't have the billions of dollars necessary to buy and maintain your own palatial estate that also has a set of secret passages that lead to your personal dungeon that would make the Marquis de Sade and the Grand Inquisitor weep in envy.  You're a normal guy or gal, trying to give your partner an experience they'll enjoy and cherish and hopefully want to repeat.

Guess what?  Your bottom isn't one of the subs in those books either.  They can't kneel for hours on end, they aren't ready/eager to perform oral sex at the drop of a hat for days at a time with no fear of lockjaw.  You can't beat them till they're bloody and covered in welts every time you play.  They don't want to take your branding, be tied up in a box and only let out for you to fuck them, and their asses aren't instantly lubricating.  In the case of female bottoms, their pussies won't instantly get wet at the touch of your hand on them.  Male bottoms won't stay hard for days and days and days with continuous orgasms and no refractory period.

BOOKS AREN'T REALITY.  Your partner should be aware of the limitations of real life on what you and they want to do.  If they aren't, you need to make sure you talk to them about it.  Make it a part of negotiation.

Now, some of those statements above CAN be built up to.  I have had some submissives who have gotten wet just from my hand in their hair.  But it took a while to get to that point.  So it's a goal for you to work towards!

5.       What if I make a mistake?

You make sure your bottom isn't hurt; you see if they want to continue; and you don't do it again.  Talk afterwards about how it made them feel, but learn from it and don't make a bigger deal out of it than needs to be made.  If they are hurt (and here, "hurt" means an injury that wasn't intended through play), stop the scene and take care of them.  But above all, learn from the mistake and don't do it again.

You're probably going to do it again, though.  You're learning.  Practice more.

6.       How often do I do a scene?

This is entirely up to you and your partner.  Seriously, it varies person to person, I can't give you any guidance here.

7.       How long does a scene last?

Until you want it to end.  Again, this varies from scene to scene.  I usually have scenes that last from 30 minutes to 2 hours.  I know some people who do interrogation scenes that last from 6 hours to 4 days.  A good rule is to generally let the sub dictate the length of the scene, and for this you have to get good at reading them.  Pay attention to their breathing, their body language, their posture.  Are they holding themselves up, or are they slumping?  Touch their skin and see if they're clammy or still warm.  A dozen little tell-tales that let you know how they're doing.  Pay attention to that, and you can know when to slow the scene to a stop.

Little tip, don't play with them until they safeword out.  If you hit "Red" or whatever word you're using on accident, that's fine, but as a general rule you won't want to try to get them to safeword out every time.

8.       Is there a way to not spend tons of money?

How much money you spend depends entirely on what you want to do.  Do you want to flog or whip someone?  Then you need a flogger or a whip.  Can't get around that.  And you'll want to spend a little for them, just so you have some quality stuff.  Unless your local sex shop has a retailer they deal with regularly, they won't have good floggers or other toys like whips and restraints.  If you like to spank, then you've always got your toy bag with you.  Same with rough body play.  Then, you don't have to spend any money at all.

There are some tips I can give.  Sensory play is one of my favorite things to do, especially with knives.  You can get a decent, not too sharp knife at any number of stores for about $20-30.  Using that on someone is really fun.  Fire play is another one that can be done remarkably cheap.  You can put together a whole fire kit for about 30 bucks at Wal-Mart.

If you're crafty, you can also pick up leather from craft stores and make your own floggers and the like.  I honestly have no idea how to do those things, cause I'm kind of lazy like that.

And lastly, you can go to online retailers, who are usually pretty reasonably priced.  High end would be places like www.jtsstockroom.com, but www.torvea.com is a much better priced site and all their stuff is hand made.

Well, that's about it for my two cents on this.  I hope it helped some people out.  

Move to Part II

Comments

Excellent post. Very informative. Thanks! :)
Glad you liked it. I've been meaning to post it for a while.

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