30 Days of Kink Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
I have a few pet peeves. My biggest one is probably Topping from the Bottom. I wrote a post on it which caused quite the fervor and debate in the BDSM Goodreads group. They say that a pet peeve is usually something the person exhibits themselves. I find that for the most part, this is an accurate statement.
When I was fumbling my way around BDSM before I even knew what they stood for and that there were communities and groups which practiced this lifestyle, I knew that I wanted some kind of domination. What I didn't understand was how to go about finding a dominant. I ended up with lovers who were Vanilla and never wanted anything more. In addition, those who were Vanilla given a choice, would prefer to be submissive. Since I didn't understand submissive and dominant roles or how it works, I just figured I'd tell my lover what I wanted. I topped from below frequently and with more frustration each time. It was a miserable experience. This is why for me, Topping from the bottom is such a pet peeve. I've been there, done that and I am guilty and ashamed of my behaviour.
Now, many people argue my point and say that it's not valid. That what I'm saying is preventing submissives from voicing their fears and desires. This only shows to me how much they don't understand negotiation and communication. It's not for me to educate and change their minds.
Another pet peeve I have in kinky/BDSM relates more to writers. There are authors who say, "writing what you know" is old school. How can someone know what a vampire feels like or how ghosts etc feel or think? My answer to this is, "so you don't do any research? You don't read up on the existing mythology of this at all? You don't become knowledgeable about this?" I find this ludicrous. In the same breath, the new set of BDSM authors who do absolutely no research other than reading other fiction books that are questionable BDSM depress me. What it shows me is their complete disrespect of a lifestyle. It's not the same as creating a sci-fic/fantasy make believe world. It's like having a suspense writer never do a bit of research on how cops investigate. Will these suspense writers be called on by those with investigative backgrounds to task? You betcha.
So how is this different than those who write BDSM and market their stories as BDSM? How do they not realize they will be called to task for inaccurate portrayals or particularly negative portrayals of the BDSM lifestyle? I'm not asking for a how-to manual. What I am asking, is to use more accurate descriptions, especially if it is in a contemporary setting. For example, if I were to describe a female dog lifting a leg while peeing, would this be accurate? In the same manner, if a dominant character is described to be so experienced and much sought after, would it be realistic that the dominant would allow their sub to be rude and disrupt a scene without consequences? This is what bothers me.
While the author is not responsible for educating readers, readers do learn from books. I learned a lot from fictional books. I learned so much from historical romance novels that I did not need to read my political science books for my Poli-Sci class in Uni. I still aced the test and contributed to the TA led group discussion. The TA was impressed that I read all the assignments. To my chagrin, I confessed to reading only a few first chapters of each book (4 of them). He asked if I studied history or really liked the era. I answered no. At the time, I was not much of a history buff and I hated history classes. He couldn't understand how I knew the titles of aristocracy and how the society all worked as a whole. The "polite society" protocols seemed to baffle most of my classmates. I could not only mention them, but explain the reasons why and how some flew counterculture. I could even use accurate terminology such as cad and bluestocking. I thought this was all common knowledge. Everyone knows this, right? That would be a mistaken assumption.
I finally answered his persistent questions as to how I knew the information w/o reading any of the assigned books. I whispered, "um, historical romance novels by the authors...". The incredulous look on his face was rather amusing in retrospect. The look of horror also ran across his face, especially when he couldn't refute the knowledge I gained from the books after he praised my understanding and knowledge. Priceless...
I have a few pet peeves. My biggest one is probably Topping from the Bottom. I wrote a post on it which caused quite the fervor and debate in the BDSM Goodreads group. They say that a pet peeve is usually something the person exhibits themselves. I find that for the most part, this is an accurate statement.
When I was fumbling my way around BDSM before I even knew what they stood for and that there were communities and groups which practiced this lifestyle, I knew that I wanted some kind of domination. What I didn't understand was how to go about finding a dominant. I ended up with lovers who were Vanilla and never wanted anything more. In addition, those who were Vanilla given a choice, would prefer to be submissive. Since I didn't understand submissive and dominant roles or how it works, I just figured I'd tell my lover what I wanted. I topped from below frequently and with more frustration each time. It was a miserable experience. This is why for me, Topping from the bottom is such a pet peeve. I've been there, done that and I am guilty and ashamed of my behaviour.
Now, many people argue my point and say that it's not valid. That what I'm saying is preventing submissives from voicing their fears and desires. This only shows to me how much they don't understand negotiation and communication. It's not for me to educate and change their minds.
Another pet peeve I have in kinky/BDSM relates more to writers. There are authors who say, "writing what you know" is old school. How can someone know what a vampire feels like or how ghosts etc feel or think? My answer to this is, "so you don't do any research? You don't read up on the existing mythology of this at all? You don't become knowledgeable about this?" I find this ludicrous. In the same breath, the new set of BDSM authors who do absolutely no research other than reading other fiction books that are questionable BDSM depress me. What it shows me is their complete disrespect of a lifestyle. It's not the same as creating a sci-fic/fantasy make believe world. It's like having a suspense writer never do a bit of research on how cops investigate. Will these suspense writers be called on by those with investigative backgrounds to task? You betcha.
So how is this different than those who write BDSM and market their stories as BDSM? How do they not realize they will be called to task for inaccurate portrayals or particularly negative portrayals of the BDSM lifestyle? I'm not asking for a how-to manual. What I am asking, is to use more accurate descriptions, especially if it is in a contemporary setting. For example, if I were to describe a female dog lifting a leg while peeing, would this be accurate? In the same manner, if a dominant character is described to be so experienced and much sought after, would it be realistic that the dominant would allow their sub to be rude and disrupt a scene without consequences? This is what bothers me.
While the author is not responsible for educating readers, readers do learn from books. I learned a lot from fictional books. I learned so much from historical romance novels that I did not need to read my political science books for my Poli-Sci class in Uni. I still aced the test and contributed to the TA led group discussion. The TA was impressed that I read all the assignments. To my chagrin, I confessed to reading only a few first chapters of each book (4 of them). He asked if I studied history or really liked the era. I answered no. At the time, I was not much of a history buff and I hated history classes. He couldn't understand how I knew the titles of aristocracy and how the society all worked as a whole. The "polite society" protocols seemed to baffle most of my classmates. I could not only mention them, but explain the reasons why and how some flew counterculture. I could even use accurate terminology such as cad and bluestocking. I thought this was all common knowledge. Everyone knows this, right? That would be a mistaken assumption.
I finally answered his persistent questions as to how I knew the information w/o reading any of the assigned books. I whispered, "um, historical romance novels by the authors...". The incredulous look on his face was rather amusing in retrospect. The look of horror also ran across his face, especially when he couldn't refute the knowledge I gained from the books after he praised my understanding and knowledge. Priceless...
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